I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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