My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
