Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
