I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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