I look better un-naked...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
