i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
