I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
