Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.