mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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