Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
