Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
