i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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