We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
