I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
