No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
