He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
we're so committed to being not committed
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
