The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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