The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
