I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
