You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
