Your face is a jimmy john
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
