My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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