And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
