I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ladies don't puke and tell
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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