ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
