Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
