The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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