My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
