shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
