RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
