My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
