I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
