My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
