I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
