i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
