my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
