he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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