I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
