Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
