i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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