This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
