you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
