so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
