the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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