hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So much rum. So many feels.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
