How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
