Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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