Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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