Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
