I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
