They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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