If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
