I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
