just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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