i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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