I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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