You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
