she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
