I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
