I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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