He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.