is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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