I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
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You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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