I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you didnt know i had herpes?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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