he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
