You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
