Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
