Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
